he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
