ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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