Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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