a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
