Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I look better un-naked...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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