Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
