I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
