I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
