Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I cut my penus on the lid.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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