I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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