I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
