He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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