I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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