Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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