Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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