I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
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It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
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I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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