Your dad touched me again.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
