Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if only i could text you this smell
splinters make it hard to masturbate
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
