I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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