i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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