The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
