My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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