Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
