I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
