"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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