I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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