I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
