She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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