my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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