If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
