Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
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He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
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Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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