My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
