Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
