I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
