I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
