apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
