I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
