awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
