Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
