I can't breathe out the right side of my face
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
