They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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