my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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