Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
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Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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