Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
