How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think my vagina is haunted
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I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
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I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you