i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
