She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
