He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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