Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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