ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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