how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you would pick up someone in the library
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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