This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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