I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Randomize