On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
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Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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