so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
