Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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